


Do you remember (because I don't)

by Beautiful_Like_You



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Assassination, Gen, Goodbyes, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mormor hint, Sad, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-27
Updated: 2014-05-27
Packaged: 2018-01-26 19:29:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1699883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beautiful_Like_You/pseuds/Beautiful_Like_You





	Do you remember (because I don't)

Do you remember the tears in my eyes when you told me you’d leave, and I said I’d have you skinned and wear you as shoes if you did? You wanted a raise, I wanted to give you a raise, but you knew I couldn’t give it when you asked, and you asked any way. There was something in your attitude that said you were tired of playing, but we’ve never stopped. Do you remember how it made you feel to see me lose control for the first time, when I stood above you with my heel on your throat and a knife in my hand, because you wouldn’t take no for an answer, and you just couldn’t listen? You wanted to push me, you always have, and when you finally did you realized just why you couldn’t. Do you remember the way my eyes filled up with salt water because the option to let you go unpunished doesn’t exist in my head, and killing you was the one thing I wouldn’t forgive myself for? Do you remember the way I withdrew myself for days on days?

Because I don’t.  


Do you remember the look on my face when I had miscalculated the hit on purpose for a bit of excitement, and we had ended up in a bit of a mess? I had assumed you’d get there on time, but you hadn’t, and when you did arrive it was to find me tied up in a chair with a knife to my throat and a gun to my head. Do you remember the flash of nervousness passing across my face as you tried to get a hold of the situation even though I hadn’t given you the details, even though I hadn’t really told you anything at all? I was stuck in that chair, uncomfortable and threatened, and you knew that if you messed up in one way or another you’d either be punished by me or I’d be killed. Do you remember how scared I looked, knowing that this could actually be the end, in front of you, with absolutely nothing to show for? Do you remember my lips shivering as a weak prayer that we would both get out of this alive?

Because I don’t.  


Do you remember the shiver through my spine when you refused to shoot when I told you to, and in the end it was too late and the girl got to live even though her death was long overdue? There was a glimpse of fear in your eyes, I think, and I’m not sure which of us it was who enjoyed it the most, the blood pumping through my veins and for once it didn’t really matter whether you lived or died anymore. It wasn’t the way you’d refused, crossed me again and again and again, or the way you’d looked at me as if I wasn’t your boss, as if I wasn’t the one with your paycheck in my pocket, but the way you had acted as if my word wasn’t law for this particular girl, as if something with her was so special that she deserved to live more than the hundreds of past target’s blood on your hand. Do you remember how my fists curled and uncurled, how I smiled at you with the tremble of blood rushing through my veins as I imagined in how many ways I could murder you, slow or fast, painful or not, and you didn’t even flinch for a second. Do you remember when you saw the monster inside me slip through my eyes for a few more seconds than what was good for either of us?

Because I don’t.  


Do you remember my voice through the speakers, floating in through thin air, echoing softly against the concrete walls and floor? I told you to put your ear plugs in, bought for special occasions, and to focus as hard as you could. Your raise would be waiting at home, as I’d been promising for months upon months. You didn’t answer, you rarely did, but I assume you were listening. Do you remember the slight discontinuity in my words, as if something wasn’t how it was supposed to? I assume you did, you were trained to notice, but you were also trained not to question and we both knew this was too important to mess up. There was a shiver in my stomach which I’m sure you couldn’t know, and a part of me knew that this would be good, better than anything I’d done before, and somehow it wasn’t as satisfying as I’d thought it would be. Do you remember my voice when I told you not to screw this up, when I lied and said you would be rewarded when it was done? Do you remember my voice when I said goodbye?

_Because I don’t._


End file.
